A Contradiction In Terms.

In an earlier post I mentioned how "Coporate Management" was an oxymoron just like "Military Intelligence." Check this out:

I certain retail company I'm familiar with goes to a lot of trouble to achieve effective "asset protection." They make sure the high-dollar items are locked up, etc. At the same time, a certain corporate management oxy-MORON decides to install a display of $200 digital cameras on an endcap next week in the electronics dept. The items sit directly on the shelf, with no lock, no tags, nothing. They decide to put in another display filled with $50 PS-2 video games, also unlocked. As of tonight, or so I've been told, the games are all gone and the system shows only three were actually bought.

I've said it before, I'll say it again. Authority and intelligence don't always go together.

I really, really wish I knew just exactly what I have to do to get myself an executive position where I can make hair-brained decisions like those and still keep my job. No floor-level manager in their right mind would risk high dollar items on an open display like that. It's hard for me to imagine someone actually being that incredibly stupid. Obviously they had to have received bribes or kickbacks from the manufacturer.

So, right now I'm visualizing myself in a big leather chair, an air conditioned office with a T.V. and a fireplace, kicking back and letting sales reps plop large envelopes of cash down onto my desk as I sign their order books. Then I leave work at lunch on Thursday and take the rest of the week off sailing in The Hamptons.

Man, oh man -- that would be the life.

The Principle Of The Thing.

TOM: Alright -- just consider this Mike -- that's all, just consider it. Now ROTH and the Rosato's are on the run -- are they worth it?.... I mean, you've won -- do you have to wipe everyone out?

MICHAEL: I don't feel I have to wipe everyone out -- just my enemies -- that's all. You gonna come along with me in these things I have to do, or what? Because if not, you can take your...family, and your mistress, and move 'em all to Las Vegas...

[if you're thinking, WTF? Don't worry: it's an inside thing.]

There's A Hole In My Bucket, Dear Liza, Dear Liza.

When I was a kid, one of my favorite things on Sesame Street was the "hole in my bucket" sketch. [song lyrics, HERE.]

Earlier this week, a team leader ordered me to remove a pallet's worth of 12-pack water from an end-cap display, and replace it with another pallet's worth of a different brand of 12-pack water. Those things are freakin' heavy, and trust me -- after you've moved a couple of them around, you're huffin' and puffin'.

This evening I noticed that yesterday someone had taken off all the water I had laboriously put there, and replaced it with a pallet load of yet ANOTHER brand of water. I was pretty mad. Why the hell did they make me move the water, when they were going to change it the next day?

Sometimes I feel like all I am doing at work is trying to carry water in a bucket with a hole in it. So many times the decisions of management just absolutely mystify me. They're always complaining about the lack of payroll budget, yet they're willing to have me waste time building a display that's going to be replaced the next day.

Sorry folks, that's not retailing -- that's sheer bullshit.

You know how they say Military Intelligence is a contradiction in terms. I believe the same could be said for "corporate management."

Monkey Business Office Lingo #4 and #5

OHNOSECOND:

• Close cousin of the "nanosecond," referring to the brief instant in time when you quickly realize that you have really, really, REALLY screwed up.

CART 'TARD:

• (Please forgive the irreverence, I heard a teenage cashier say this the other day when I was shopping at "big blue." I just can't resist...) The name given to the "mentally challenged" employees at major retailers who retrieve carts from the parking lot.
  

It Hurts Us All.

One of the team-leaders in softlines shot her yap off at the A.P. guy once to often yesterday. She told him that she's not paid to do loss-prevention, and that it was his job. He was pretty ticked-off, and I don't blame him. Some of the largest theft losses in the store occur in softlines, and yet she has the nerve to say loss-prevention isn't her job.

I was ticked off too. I work my buns off to pay my bills with honesty and integrity, and this chyk lets people carry the store away. Money she lets us loose is money that could be given to me in a raise, to help me support my family.

I heard through the grapevine that she was going to get a "coaching" soon from corporate management. Man, I sure hope so.

I told the A.P. guy that any time he needed my help, to just give me a holler and I'll come running. I hate thieves. Even if I wasn't an employee, I'd still try to stop them if I saw them -- it's just the principle of the thing.

For Service, Please Press #1

Isn't it interesting how some companies brag about their customer service, yet they hide behind confusing and impenetrable mazes in their automated phone systems?

Here's how to get a live human on the phone when you need one. Go to http://gethuman.com/
and consult their database. In many cases, you can reach a human by punching certain series of keys in succession.

"They" thought these codes could be kept secret, but the dedicated consumer advocates at http://gethuman.com are determined to help you gain back your power!

so THAT'S what they mean....

Here's a little more official MONKEY BUSINESS OFFICE LINGO:

Here are some phrases often exchanged between employers and employees during job interviews, and what they really mean:

Employer Lingo:

"Competitive Salary"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"Join Our Fast-Paced Team"
We have no time to train you.

"Casual Work Atmosphere"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"Must be Deadline Oriented"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"Some Overtime Required"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"Duties Will Vary"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must Have an Eye For Detail"
We have no quality control.

"Career-Minded"
Female applicants must be childless and remain that way.

"Apply in Person"
If you're old, fat, or ugly, you'll be told the position has been filled.

"No Phone Calls Please"
We've filled the job. Our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"Seeking Candidates With a Wide Variety of Experience"
You'll need it to replace the three people who just left.

"Problem-Solving Skills a Must"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"Requires Team Leadership Skills"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"Good Communication Skills"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want, and do it.

---

Employee's Lingo:

"I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization"
I've used Microsoft Office a few times.

"I'm honest, hardworking and dependable"
I pilfer office supplies.

"My pertinent work experience includes..."
Please don't ask me about all the OTHER loser jobs I've had.

"I take pride in my work"
I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'm personable"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to coworkers.

"I'm extremely professional"
I carry a cheap Day-Timer and my ties have no stains on them.

"I am adaptable"
I've changed jobs a lot.

"I am on the go"
I'm never at my desk.

"I'm highly motivated to succeed"
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

I Don't Know Lady, I Just Work Here.

In a previous post I discussed the "invisibility cloak."

In an interesting corollary to that theory, if you want to play a prank on the competition, just go into their store wearing clothes that even only half-way matches their company colors. People will walk up to you and ask if you work there.

Many times I've gone into a retail establishment with my Sunday clothes on after church, and people think I'm the manager. They come up to me to complain or ask me to back-order a product. I'm too much of a nice guy to take advantage of that one, but jeez -- just think of the possibilities!

All that you really need to pull it off is a nice haircut, a polo shirt, a pair of tan slacks, and penny-loafers or wingtips. If you really want to go all out, just order a shiny brass name-tag from an office supply store (it has to be brass color, most retail executives have metal name tags while the cashier peons wear only plastic.) Just put your name on it, and the title "district manager" or "regional v.p." You don't even need a business name on it. Just wear that get up, start straightening shelves, and the fun will start.

The reason I mention all this: tonight when the store closed and we all clocked out, I drove over to the competition who is open 24 hrs. so I could purchase some things I didn't have time to get at my own store earlier. I was still wearing my company's colors. I thought that if I took my name-tag off I would be safe. Nothing doing. People STILL came up to me and asked if I work there. D'oh!

"No ma'am, actually I'm a scout from the competitor down the street conducting some secret 'marketing intelligence gathering.' "

Here's your sign. [link]

Super Mega D'oh!

We've all had them.

They're the moments in our lives where we realize in a split second we have really, really, REALLY screwed up. As in, "Ohhh..............crap...."

Take the case of a (mercifully for him) anonymous computer technician in Alaska. While conducting routine maintenance on a disk drive at the Alaska Department of Revenue, he wiped out the records of some 600,000 people who were due to receive dividends from the State Permanent Fund.

A mistake like that is worthy of the Dilbert "In-duh-vidual" award, and writer Scott Adams would definitely be proud.

Get the low-down in this article at Yahoo! News. [link]

Monkey Business Management Secret #10

THE INVISIBILITY CLOAK

The other day when I finished a cart of freight I tried to make my way to the time-clock and punch out for lunch. It was then that I was kidnapped. A customer flagged me down and requested help finding a product.

Ok, fair enough. I helped the customer find what he needed, but when I saw the oddball glint in his eyes I knew I was in trouble. I had been snared by a "attention-vampire," those annoying people so desperate for human contact that they hold you hostage for hours on end bending your ear prattling on about nothing.

The guy went on and on about why he needed the product, his life story, how it had to do with his work, how much he loved his job, asking zillions of questions, always interrupting my answers, and refusing to see my obvious desperation to take a long overdue and desperately needed lunch.

It is for situations like those that my co-workers came up with the technique of the "invisibility cloak." When they head out to lunch or to go home, they throw a coat or a shirt on and thouroughly cover their store uniform. It's amazing just how invisible you become once the company colors are obscured -- people who won't give you a minute's peace all of a sudden don't even know you're there. The difference is hysterical.

If you don't have a shirt or coat, often you can reduce the risk of being snared by staring down at the floor as you walk. Eye contact increases your profile in the customer's minds, lack of it helps you blend into the background.

Of course, nobody would ever admit to using such tactics, but more than once I have watched a manager or two slip out a back way to avoid a troublesome employee or irritating customer.

Monkey Business Office Lingo #3

TURBO-SERVICE:

noun: The art of getting better customer service when all hope is lost about ever seeing a result. A set of techniques designed to bypass "gate-keepers" and gain access to decision makers. common usage: "the squeeky wheel gets the grease."

Read this article [link] and you'll get the lowdown on the art of going turbo.

Worshipping the Gigabyte Altar.

[<== typical vidiot seen here]

I worked the camera boat again this week. People kept bugging me about when we were going to get a certain video game that was scheduled to be released that week.

A thousand times NO! We haven't got it in yet! They haven't told us when -- we get it when we get it!!

Jeez, morons! Get a life! Go home and give some attention to your families or get some exercise, instead of wasting your life on an overpriced piece of plastic!

Monkey Business Office Lingo #2

STAND-N-POINT:

1. Management style often used by store managers of "big-box" retailers.
2. Maintaining the pretense that one is too important to actually perform manual labor.

This particular method is usually performed in the following way: stand there, observe lower level managers and their teams doing their work, and remain absolutely still while doing so. Occasionally point to something that needs to be done or corrected, and bark out an order demanding quick action. This can also be done while walking around the store pretending to look like you are "inspecting" the work to make sure it's all on track. At 5:30pm, bark out more orders to lower managers, and then go home as quickly as you can, never to return until 8:00 the next day.

Here's a promise that I've made to myself: If I ever end up in corporate managment and I see a unit manager engaging in the "stand-n-point," I will personally go over, kick their ass, put tools in their hand, and tell them to get to work.

When I interview managerial candidates, I will check their hands for callouses. If their hands are too soft I'll throw them out of my office. I will check their resumes for any history of manual labor occuring before their degrees. If they're full of college and no hard work, I will spit on the paper and throw it back in the candidate's faces. I will tell my executives that if they want to be on the fast track for V.P., they will have to spend a year cleaning bathrooms in the stores. If they balk, I'll kick their ass and then throw them out.

Monkey Business Management Secret #9

What do you do when your company is under investigation for fraud, bribery, and tax evasion? What if you want to exploit cheap foreign labor? The answer is simple --

MOVE YOUR COMPANY H.Q. OFF-SHORE!

This little baby does wonders for your bottom line! It's next to impossible for the IRS to audit your books if your office is in Dubai, like Halliburton Co. will soon have theirs. In Dubai, you won't have to pay corporate taxes and their are few labor laws to protect workers. You can use derivatives and other Enron-style tricks to hide profits and debts from Federal regulators. You can even blame all your mistakes on your American "subsidiary," and claim that you had no knowledge over in Dubai of any wrong-doing, just like Halliburton does.

When I launch my own multi-national greed factory corporation to take over the world, this method is precisely what I'm going to use.

Monkey Business Management Secret #8

THERE'S TOO MUCH BLOOD IN MY CAFFEINE CIRCULATION.

Top Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee:

• You have races with the Energizer bunny.
• You short out motion detectors.
• You have a conniption over spilled milk.
• You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
• You stick your cup under the trap instead of using the caraffe.
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
• You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
• You don’t tan, you roast.
• Your three favorite things in life are…coffee before and coffee after.
• Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
• You can’t even remember your second cup.
• You help your dog chase its tail.
• You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
• Your mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
• You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
• You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
• Your mug says "got creamer?" on the side.
• All the hardware in your garage is stored in coffee cans.
• You have to wait for the cursor to catch up with your keystrokes.
• People hold the phone away from their ears when you call them.
  
• Your reflection in the mirror changes with each cup.
• Each new cupful dissolves more metal off of your spoon.
• The bottom of your cup is so dark, things dissappear into it.
• The rescue team thought you were in a coma until somebody spilt coffee onto your lips.
• Juan Valdez sends you birthday cards and Christmas cards.
• The price of coffee bean contracts moves drastically on the commodities markets each time you go out to buy some.
• Starbucks wants you to be their advertising mascot.

Not Born Yesterday.

Earlier this week they had me working the electronics counter. There was a group of three preteen young men wandering around the electronics and toys. They kept signaling each other when I walked by. I asked them if their parents were with them.

The "not-Caucasian" one sassed me back: "no, am I supposed to?"

Ok, sucka. Time for you to play with the big dogs. I signaled the guys in A.P. My guys zeroed in on them with the cameras. Caught them red-handed, on tape, in black and white.

Busted. Cops came, and the rest is history. Turns out the "NOT-caucasian" was the leader of the little group. I am not surprised.

Word to the wise: if you work in retail, be nice to the guys with the badges. Take care of them, and they'll take care of you.

Monkey Business Office Lingo #1

RESOURCE HOG: [noun]

1. originating in computer culture referring to an application that is so bloated with code that it grabs up an inordinate share of processor speed and page-swap memory just to run, often causing the user's PC to seize and crash, requiring a re-boot.

2. referring to visually oriented managers who care only about their own needs when they expropriate to their projects and departments large amounts of time, budget, and personnel, often at the expense of other managers, and often causing other essential company processes to halt.

The other day "super-dyke" logistics manager assigned me and a coworker to work out a pallet of freight for the new lawn and garden plan-o-gram. She didn't like the progress we were making, so she got on the walkie and demanded that all available associates from the other departments come over and help work the freight.

She enjoyed pointing and directing (and standing) while a large group of lingerie and grocery associates lugged boxes of lawn chairs and flower pots to the shelves. Naturally, no other work in the store got done during that time.

Quite a few of the associates were unhappy. They had their own work to do, on a day that was busy. I even noticed another department head grumble loudly, as well.

I quietly smiled in derision.

Where Credit Is Due.

After all of the griping I've done lately about work situations, I need to be sure to emphasize that in spite of their faults, I really DO like working with this company at this particular store. They have their quirks to be sure, but over-all this is one of the better places I've worked over the years, and I appreciate being with some really good people.

Granted you'll find the usual aspects of corporate silliness you'll find elsewhere, the one thing that has really impressed me with this company is that they really do make a serious, concerted effort to foster a cooperative, harmonious, successful work environment for the team-members. They have succeeded with that culture here at this company far, far, far better than other places I've worked. I deeply and sincerely appreciate that.

For example: a couple of days ago I clocked in and the Leader On Duty gave me some quick instructions to complete before I got started with my regular tasks. One of the H.R. people was nearby, and she felt that the L.O.D. had been a little too curt with me, so she quickly told him to say "please." It floored me. Never would such considerate thinking have come from people who manage "Little Red" (the South-East based dollar store chain who shall remain nameless, where stogie chomping, hairy knuckled, tattoo ridden neanderthals berate, patronize, and shout at their people.) Here at "Big Red" they actually make the effort to be civilized.

I don't know how long I'll be able to be with them, but when I'm rich and famous, running my own global dominating private equity firm, "Big Red" will be one of my first choices for permanent holdings in common stock.

Time Will "Tell."

I wrote the last post about "Maverick" to set the stage for this one.

This evening I took some time out of my work to assist one of the logistics team members make a bale (ha! take that, Mz. "certification" manager!) throw out the trash, and get caught up on the cardboard pile waiting to be compacted.

Naturally this put me behind on my straightening my zone, but I didn't particularly care because I'm playing a game, as I explained earlier. I got caught up in reasonable time, the Leader On Duty told me we got out on time after close, and all was OK. While I was zoning, one of the guys that people have told me is a total loser came to help me with my zone.

I could tell he did it only because he wanted to chastise me for helping people so much. He told me to mind my own responsibilities. While he tried to mask it as helpful advice, I could tell he was trying to sabotage me -- the logistics person that I had helped is his rival, according to the grapevine.

This guy honestly thought I was that stupid. Of course I know full well never to let charity get in the way of my own work. I learned that straight out of high school. He thought I was too stupid to know that. I thought to myself "I'm way ahead of you there, bub. Eagerness is a game I purposely play, and it paid off. You just revealed to me how much of a looser you are, sucker."

Needless to say, even though I will continue to be cordial and professional to him, I will watch him -- very closely.