"All Your Base Are Belong To Us...."

Well, it's official.

I am moving forward with Phase Two of my fiendish plans for wealth, power, and world take-over. I start back to school next week. I'm going to work on finishing that Bachelor's degree I started years ago, before real life got in the way.

I had been doing some work on it last year, but was forced to drop out (again) because unforseen problems that I didn't ask for popped up (again) and got in my way.

This time I have a deal in place, brokered with special backers. These people have said they will help me get the degree completed. They have pledged to me their support in removing, by any means necessary, all obstacles that try to get in my way.

SHANGO.

My Homies Got Me Covered.

Last evening my main homies were at the shop, none of the GRRRL pack were there.

"K.L." was trying to change the oil in the vats, which is a long and complicated process. He finally had to abandon the project because he had to work the sandwich line frequently. This evening he looked like he hadn't shaved a couple of days. Being lean (and most likely, GAY) he had a certain kind of George Micheal look goin' on that was cool. The assistant district manager was teasing him about it. I ended up having to explain to him who George Micheal is, totally giving up my age in the process.

"A.D." is still in high school, but compared to many, he's a good kid. He tries his best to take his job seriously. When he first started, he was totally lost, and so I helped him out quite a bit. To return the favor, he lets me in on all the gossip around the shop (and that is one of the "MONKEY BUSINESS MANAGEMENT SECRETS.") He's got a "crew" that hangs with him alot, including "C" who works the grill. He does well with groups of people, which makes me think he'd be a good politician, minister, teacher, or ambassador.

"E" is still in High School also, but he's trying to prepare himself to be a managerial candidate when he gets out. At the same time, he's really laid back and pragmatic. He dangles his cigarettes like James Dean (there I go, showing my age again.) Like me, he can't stand the needless drama that the GRRRL pack brings to work. He goes out of his way to thoroughly bug the crap out of the GRRRls, just to get them off his back. "E" has also proved to be a valuable source of info like "A.D." All I have to do is go pick up his smokes for him, and he tells me all.

Anyway, business was slow we had more than enough people there last evening, so they sent me home. Business had really dived, and dived bigtime, since Father's Day.

Where's The Duct Tape?

This evening a member of the GRRRL-pack worked the drive-thru. Really sweet kid, but a total drama queen.

Her real name is one of those kinds that only hippie parents would give their kid, like Star or Moon-unit. For the sake of this blog, I'll just call her Dancer. She's an athlete in school and gets good grades, but she has a certain physique and exotic look that makes one think of, well... a POLE DANCER.

She's very, very skinny, which is why I chose the nickname, but really too skinny for my taste. (Myself, I like 'em CURVY. If a woman is such a stick that she can stir my drink with her elbow, she's not my type.) Female customers get extremely envious of her whenever she walks by. When the women see her the claws really come out. Oh, the things they say. I never knew such bile could come from ladies.

For all her beauty and her success as a student, Dancer has one problem. Two problems, actually. Everything is a disorganized mess with her, and she can't keep her mouth shut. This evening all she did was talk. By that, I mean motor mouth. It's a miracle she gets anything done.

All she does is complain and whine at the store manager. He found a big roll of duct tape in the office, brought it out to the drive through, and left it on the counter. When she didn't get the hint, he told her if she didn't shut up, he'd use it on her. Dancer just kept on talking all night.

At the end of my shift I sat in the car for a few minutes before I drove home, enjoying the blessed silence.

Dead-ski. Dead, Dead, Dead-a-rewski.

Father's Day is not very prosperous for the low-scale fast food industry. Everybody and their uncle stayed home or took their father out for more high-brow dining.

Normally Sundays are a total cluster-@#$% for us, but today all we got was a couple of church ladies and some soft-ball players. The highlight of the afternoon came when a little-league coach ordered FORTY junior cheese burgers.

Business got so slow that they sent me and three others home to save on payroll. I didn't mind because my back has been bothering me today and I needed to lay down for awhile.

MonkeyBusiness Management Secret #28

TURNOVER

Industries that rely on a small store-front building space, such as fast-food or specialty retail, are notorious for rapid turn-over in their ranks.

Those industries also happen to be the same ones that a trained monkey could work in. So what's the connection? Here's the deal: managers at the district level and above know full well that any bozo with half a brain could replace them. The problem, therefore, is how do they protect themselves from better people rising up from below?

The solution is simple -- TURNOVER.

Here's how it goes: work the people underneath you like dogs and give them impossible goals to meet. Then let them get burned out or pissed off and leave. Once they're gone, hire a new sucker (oops) I mean replacement.

It happened to me once when I worked a store management position for a certain dollar-store chain. By the time I realized what had happened I was already kicked to the street in disgrace. Since then, I have observed it happen to almost all of the other store managers I knew at that company. Lately it seems that the manager at the fast food establishment I work at is falling victim to the same scam. The district manager and the franchise owner, from what I can see, are masters at it.

The store manager is running around bugging everyone to achieve service levels that are physically impossible to meet in a real world. The owner and the district manager and pressuring him to meet those numbers, just like they did to all the previous managers before each got fired. I know this because a former manager once told me exactly how they dealt with him, and they are doing the exact same thing to the current manager.

What's worse is that sh* rolls down hill. Store managers who are desperate to keep their jobs work the hell out of their crews, and when the impossible goals aren't met, the store manager simply tells upper management that it's the crew's fault. The manager then replaces the crew.

While all of this is happening, district and regional managers rest at ease, knowing they are secure from any ambitious up-and-coming person who could very easily replace them. The turmoil of turnover keeps them safe.