Monkey Business Management Secret #25

FENG SHUI

It's not something you have the vet do to your cat.

It's the latest craze in fast food restaurant design.

Yes folks, soon a McDonald's near you will be asking "would you like some extra Chi flow with your fries?"

According to an article at MSNBC [link], some McDonald's owners are using the ancient Chinese art of Feng Shui in the decor for their restaurants. They say that the use of certain "lucky" colors and materials increase customer's feelings of well being and contentment, and drive them to purchase more.

For those who cannot afford a consultant to remodel their offices with Feng Shui, simply hire a guard to stand in the corner with a whip, and let him lash those employees who don't produce. That'll get things moving, and you don't have to pay hundred of thousands of dollars.

The Sword Still Hangs.

Mene, Mene, Tekel, Upharsin.


SHANGO.

Would You Like A Serving Of "F* You!" With Your Order?

Today I had a real A*H*LE come through my line. He made his order, I gathered everything together for it, collected the sandwich from the grill team, and as I'm serving it to him he asks:

"Does that have ketchup on it? I don't want ketchup on it!"

I thought to myself it would have been nice if he had told me before hand, so I can be sure he got what he wanted. I took the sandwich back the grill man and asked for another one without ketchup. The grill man was struggling to keep up and was not having a good day. In frustration he said "well, they sure didn't tell me that!" and threw the sandwich on the floor. I understood what he was feeling, because I've been there. I apologized to him and explained the customer's lack of foresight, and told him I would help him.

Unfortunately, the customer saw our exchange, and when I brought his corrected order to him he was angry at the grill man. He chewed me out for it. I thought to myself "well, f* head -- next time show some consideration for us servants beneath you and tell us beforehand what you want. Get out of my face d* head, and let me serve the hungry senior citizens waiting patiently behind your rude, sorry, red neck construction worker punk ass."

Of course I didn't physically say that. I just smiled wider than Ted Kennedy on the witness stand after Chappaquidick.

Monkey Business Office Lingo #10

New Corporate Buzz Words for the 21st Century

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, craps all over the place, makes a lot of noise, and then leaves.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists."

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here.

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

Would You Like Some Clearasil With Those Fries?

One of the competing fast food companies in town runs commercials sponsored by the local franchise holder, featuring an outstanding youth from the ethnic community that the franchisors belong to. They'll show a profile of the young person and detail their academic and athletic achievements during the length of the commercial, then play the jingle, and then fade out on the company logo.

When I see those commercials, all I can think is "jeez, where do they find kids like that -- they sure as hell don't have them where I work!"

My employer sorely lacks them. That's the whole reason I prefer to work days, because the evening shift is full of incredibly lazy, incredibly stupid teenagers. Weekends are the worst. When they see me actually working and trying to get things done, they get mad because it makes them look bad, so they try to slow me down and purposely get in my way. Total punks, they are. I told my boss as much. He said he understood.

I may be a loser who's had upteen bazillion jobs in his 42 years, but I sure as hell am not a stupid and lazy one. I try as best I can to bust and haul, to get things done. Time and time again, other people get jealous and pull all sorts of backstabbing garbage on me. I'm getting really tired of it.

Don't Be A Squidward.

My kids love watching SpongeBob Squarepants. They know most of the episodes line for line. One episode features Squidward, one of SpongeBob's co-workers at The Crusty Crab Restaurant. Squidward is known for his never ending pessimism and cynicism. This particular episode showed Squidward in all of his business-killing notoriety.

Squidward had to take an order at the counter from a customer who stared at the menu board with a blank expression, and who couldn't make up their mind. They asked nit-picky questions about several products. They continued to stand there and stare at the menu board.

Out of frustration, Squidward finally begged: "puh-leeeze -- can you go be stupid someplace else?" When I first saw that, I busted out laughing and couldn't stop.

Today I had to deal with a continual stream of stupid people. People who walked up to the counter, not knowing what they want, expecting me to read their minds, and who got annoyed when I tried politely to find out simple things like what kind of burger they want. The best way to look like a stupid idiot in front of your friends is to walk into a fast food place and say "gimme one of those burger things," and then clam up with nothing more to say.

Then, if you want to look more stupid, say "gimme a drink with that," and say no more. To top it off, you can pull out a big coin purse and count out change to the exact penny, VERY slowly, when there's a long line of hungry people behind you.

IT'S 4:20 P.M.

Monkey Business Management Secret #24

VOLUME gets things done

If there's one thing that annoys me to no end it's loud, abrasive people. Especially the type who get louder as their environment gets busier. Today I had to listen to one of those at work. I clocked in and jumped on the registers at the lunch rush. This other person was working the drive through, but she was so loud I couldn't hear my own customers up front. I had to keep asking my own customers to repeat themselves.

The loud person takes great pride in reminding me that she's a shift leader at another food establishment, while she works at ours part time. She barks out orders at our place as if she had a title there as well. She's one of those people that thrive on feeling important, and so make every effort they can to show they are.

All afternoon I just wanted to turn around and shout "will you just shut the %$#@ up!"

Of course, if there's one thing that being fired more than once in my life has taught me, it's that to survive at work I just have to keep my OWN mouth shut, because for some reason people in power can't handle hearing the truth. I also learned that promotion rarely comes to those who are best qualified, but more often those who are the most pushy, abrasive, loud, and brassy. Those types of people cannot handle hearing from others who actually use their minds and think. As long as you can bark out orders like a Marine, management loves you, and it doesn't matter if you've got cotton between the ears.

OH, DEER.

Watch this video of an 8 point buck running around the aisles in TARGET.
(video loads slow, be patient. Best with broadband.)

Knock On Wood.

Waste Not, Want Not.

Because I have heavy allergies that bother me often, I frequently have to blow my nose. Tissue just does not work for me, because I can go through so much, so I have a large supply of cloths that I have cut up out of old shirts, to use as hankies. When I've gone through them all, I launder them in hot water and heavy bleach, and re-use them.

I mention this sordid little detail for a reason.

Earlier this evening, my wife came across a work shirt with the logo of a former employer on it. It's from a certain dollar-store chain that is headquartered in one of the Mid Atlantic states. She asked me what I wanted to do with the shirt.

"What do you THINK I want to do with it?" I chided her.

"Snot rags?" she asked.

"HELL YEAH, snot rags. What other good use is there for that piece of trash?"

So, I took a pair of old scissors and cut up the shirt with reckless abandon. I made especially sure to drop the company logo into the trash with a wide flourish. Now I have several new hankies to add to my collection. I shall thoroughly relish blowing my nose into them.