Monkey Business Management Secret #14

WRITE A BOOK.

If you want people to think you're some kind of business genius, write a book. After all, if somebody goes to all the trouble to write a book, they must really know something, right? And if a publisher goes to all the trouble to print it, that must mean it's all true, right?

Be sure to pepper your book with liberal doses of business catch phrases, like "paradigm shift," "data mining," "value-added," and "water shed." I'm not exactly sure what watersheds have to do with business, but when you speak of a "water shed" moment in your management technique, people are very impressed. They probably don't know what water shed means either, but they'll assume that you do, and therefore must be very smart.

When it comes time to make up a title, just fill in the blank in this phrase "Who moved my ____?" You can also use something that involves mouse traps and cheese. Here's a list of good phrases to include in your title:

The Changing Role of [insert your topic here]

[insert your topic here]: Adapt or Die.

Reinventing [insert your topic here]

Don't Get Left Behind [insert your topic here]

Best Practices in [insert your topic here]

Road map to [insert your topic here]

When writing the book be sure to go on and on as much as you can about how change is going to happen, it's inevitable, and companies who resist change will get left behind. Then recommend that companies advertise about how they stand by old fashioned values like "quality" that never change over time. Tell your readers to hire consultants and form "competitive advantage teams." Don't forget to mention "competitive intelligence," or SPYING. Tell them to hire a private investigator to find out all the phone numbers and email addresses of all the board members at your competitor.

Be sure to add a legal disclaimer in small print, mentioning that the advice in the book does not replace the reader's responsibility to consult with professional legal and financial counsel before making any business decision. Anyone hair brained enough to drive a company in the direction that a book points to is definitely going to need a good lawyer later on.

Last but not least, include a picture of yourself riding on a yacht. It doesn't necessarily have to be your own yacht, just a picture of you on one. You don't have to mention who it belongs to. Fill out a list of personal accomplishments. This is where you can get really creative. Lets say that the closest you got to Harvard was spending a few years working the pizza joint down the street. You can tell your readers that you spent several years in contact with Harvard educators. You get the idea.

After that, just sit back and let the book royalties roll in. Sign yourself up for whatever celebrity endorsements you can find, speak at every graduation ceremony and quilting bee you can find, and play lots of golf. You've got it made.