MonkeyBusiness Management Secret #26

"FEES"

For some strange reason I like to browse the Britney Spears headlines once in awhile, just to see what she's up too, since there's never a dull moment in her neck of the woods.

Lately, Ms. Spears' attorney is arguing in court that K-Fed's attorney fees are too high, and that Britney is not a blank checkbook. (Court rulings say that Britney has to pay K-Fed's bill.) Rather than the $900,000 K-Fed's attorney is charging, Britney's attorney says the fees should "only" be about $175,000 -- $190,000 (give or take.)

If there is one lesson I learned from that little tidbit, it's this: I should have gone to law school.

It only goes to show that if you are an "expert" of any kind, especially an educated one, you can charge whatever the hell you like for your "fees." Print some business cards, call yourself a consultant, whip up phony reports with impressive looking numbers and graphs on your spreadsheet program, have KINKO'S print and bind it, and then deliver it to your client with your invoice for any kind of ungodly sum you can think of. It helps if you scan the dictionary every day to find as many big, ten-dollar words as you can. Use them in your spiel, to make it sound like you really "know."